Nothing, I mean nothing, can brighten up a terrible commute on the subway, or a basic walk to Trader Joes than seeing a very attractive man with a baby. Not that I particularly love babies, but a hot guy with a baby in arm just screams “I am a man. I can take care of things. I am in my early thirties, I love craft beer and football, but I also love taking care of human life.” Its almost too much for me to handle. And lets be serious, the world agrees. Hence all the recent “Dad with KIds”-esque shows and movies. They are directly appealing to all the college women in the world still trying to find themselves (me). (Bonus points though, if their kids are actually well behaved and extremely adorable. More bonus points in they’re carrying them in one of those strap on backback things).
My favorite DILF?
Jimmy Fallon. (He’s my favorite everything). If this isn’t the sexiest thing your eyeballs have processed than maybe you should reevaluate how you see the world.
2. Dunkin Donuts
I will admit, my recent love for donuts has hit me like a ton of bricks and the obsession is real. As a kid, I never loved donuts (crazy right) and I could take them or leave them. But now, I will take them. Always. Anytime. Any place. For every and all meals. Especially when I’m hung over. Dunkin Donuts or Entenmanns. I’m not a donut elitist, I will gladly take them all. Although Dunkin Donuts will forever be the best hungover food. Also, something about Dunkin just hits a nostalgic nerve for me and reminds me of home. It comforts me that much, which is both sad and marvelous.
3. Hold On, We’re Going Home
Right now, “Hold On, We’re Going Home” is quite arguably my FAVORITE song. This is not a drill. This is not me basking in irony. It’s so good. Like Lionel Richie, fucking smooth and rich and delectable. Like R.Kelly. Smooth ass jams for the ear holes. I can listen to this on repeat more than I’d like to admit. But I mean, I will also be the first to admit that I loved his first album, Thank Me Later (and countless mixtapes). And that I was always rooting for Jimmy in Degrassi. But I don’t need to defend this any further. DRAKE IS AWESOME, OKAY!!?!?! (Also kind of cute and sweet I like those qualities in a man).
4. On this same note, Drake Hands.
Quite possibly my favorite internet trolling to have ever happened. If you don’t know, just watch this link. I need not speak no further.
You know this changed your life.
It changed mine.
5. Halloween Parties
I fucking love Halloween. But why I love Halloween is the idea of going to a party and knowing anything can happen. Getting together and gossiping about how “Tinky Winky the teletubbie is totally making out with Amelia Earhart” is why Halloween is the best holiday. Even better when you’re totally intoxicated. Because when you’re drunk and you’re surrounded by Kid Rock, Willson from Castaway and random farm animals, you basically feel like you’ve transcended into some weird fantasy dream world. And it’s just so hard to wrap your head around all the silliness that is happening. Or maybe I just feel that way. Literally, for me, the building blocks for comedy happen at Halloween parties. Nothing is more hilarious than seeing Beetlejuice killing it alone on the dance floor to “Slow Motion” by Juvenile. Anything can happen and it makes me so incredibly happy. But I dunno guys, you get it or you don’t. I can’t explain why this is so hilarious for me, it will just ruin the magic.
(These guys get it.)
6. Performance Art
I’ll admit, I used to hate performance art. I just didn’t get it. But that was young and naive me (the same me that didn’t like donuts. Who was I!?!?!?!!?). Marina Abramović. Tilda Swinton Sleeping in the MoMA. Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance (eh that one I’m still iffy about). All the reactions to these are what make performance art so brilliant. I like to test it out myself too. Saying things on the street as people pass you that are ridiculous to see how people react. Reactions are priceless. (I’ll admit that my love for this is a little ironic.) Ughhhh I’m Soo0o0o0o post modern. I can’t handle it, guys.
Sleep Tight lil Tildie. I get what you’re doing.
As it is, I’m too into online shopping and adorable clothes with animal patterns on them. And Modcloth specializes in BOTH of those things. And it just pulls at all of my heart strings. Is it wrong that I only desire to have as much style that Zooey Deschanel has in her right pinky? I just want an effortless style that says “I’m cute and I’m quirky and I’ve seen Arcade Fire in concert four times.” I want a style that says “I got Zooey bangs once and I didn’t keep them not because they didn’t look good because I just changed as a person.” Also, is it wrong to admit that it gives me even more of an incentive to waste all of my money on ModCloth items because they give you a free gift with every purchase?! Sometimes the mystery of that alone just makes me buy something most of the times that I log on. The curiosity gets the best of me. I’m not proud of this. And not to mention, I can’t even handle their jewlery. Basically put anything cute on a necklace and I’m sold. I’ll admit that I would give up my dreams to work for ModCloth if that meant extremely discounted clothes. I can dress like I’m an actress trying to be successful in the field of comedy. I wouldn’t need to actually do it.
GIVE ME THIS PUPPY NECKLACE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I NEEEEEEEEEED IT.
8. Kanye West
Ok, so this is a little irrelevant to reiterate. Everyone knows I love Kanye West. And he will always be on my list of things I love right now. Because I will never stop loving him. But going back to number 6, Kanye West in my eyes is not only a creative genius (we all know he is, because he’s told us himself) but he doesn’t even realize that he’s probably the best performance artist of our time (or I mean he does know this but that makes it even better). He does all these things that people will hate so much (or maybe everyone is just predisposed to hate him for no reason) and he just milks the shit out of it. I mean he is with Kim Kardashian. Who doesn’t hate her?! It made everyone so angry, even me. And I love that I hated it. And then there was that time where he took the Confederate flag and put it all over his clothes. SO MANY PEOPLE WERE ANGRY! He is taking a symbol tied with much hardships and making it just that – a symbol that means nothing. ANYONE CAN TARNISH IT AND ITS MEANING. HE IS POOPING ALL OVER WHITE SUPREMECISTS. THAT IS FUCKING GENIUS. MY MIND BLOWS UP WITH THAT. I mean, at the very least, you have to respect someone who has such a firm opinion changing the world and staying true to who they are. He is against white supremacy, so obviously rocking the confederate flag was not supposed to be insulting. It was him making it his own, abolishing society’s connection to it. I can’t even articulate his genius. He just gets it. He is above everything. I can go on forever.
And there was that time with Taylor Swift. BECAUSE HE SAID WHAT EVERYONE WANTED TO SAY. How can you hate him for that? Awww come on. (Taylor Swift is so not what I will ever love right now).
9. If you’re still reading, because my Kanye post could have made you extremely angry (that’s all I can ever hope for), number 9 on my Things I Love Right Now list, is Famous Women Who Have Awesome Movie Scenes Where They Get Totally Badass and Beat Up people.
Now this can possibly be a spoiler alert, so read on with caution (although if you haven’t seen Enough or Obsessed, WHO ARE YOU!? Especially if you’re a lady. SHAME.)
Let’s bring it back to Enough. I mean we all know the story. J.LO runs away from her abusive husband. She changes her entire identity and takes self defense classes. When her crazy husband comes back, she woops his ass (and ultimately kills him).
Or how about Obsessed. Damn Beyonce really stomps that hussie up. Just like Nivea, Beyonce was all like “Don’t mess with my man, Imma be the one to break it to ya.” And she brought it to ya. In heels. Like the awesome kick ass perfect diva that she is. She stomps that white lady out (and ultimately kills her).
Disclaimer: These are my prime examples right now. I can’t think of any others. Just know that any other movie that has these qualities, I love.
Now like I mentioned, the actual quality of these movies are questionable. But as a woman, they are my ultimate guilty pleasure. They’re just the perfect lady thrillers. I mean I can only hope that I will have a real life fight scene like this in my life. Just one (and hopefully someone will be there to film it and edit it to make it look that awesome). ((This is minus the whole murder thing. Save that for the movies, amirite?))
Beyonce when she got the dreaded call all like “o hell no bitch it is over for u lykeeee”
10. Last but not least, Slow Lorises.
Just look at their eyes. Look at their little fingers. Look at the little mysterious looks on their faces. What’re you up to little loris?!!?!?
Because slow loris and if you don’t agree you probably have no heart.